The kids are quiet - tucked in bed. Jhonny hasn't woken up from his nap and knowing how he's stayed up late almost every night last week - he's probably out for the night as well. So I'm here alone - listening to some beautiful music on kzion.com and reflecting upon my beautiful Sunday.
It was kind of a change from the norm for me. I missed my regular meetings as I dealt with what a counselor might call a crisis situation. It's been a while since I've had to rely on my counseling skills. It was like putting on a familiar pair of gloves.
It's ironically an amazing experience to watch someone go from dispair to hope in minutes as you point out what they are blinded to but desperately want to believe and just need someone to affirm and reaffirm to them with more confidence than they feel in themselves at the moment.
Most importantly I have such a testimony of the atonement. It doesn't matter WHAT has occured, or will occur in someone's life - no matter how horrific, the atonement covers it ALL. There is healing in HIS wings. There is a balm in Gilead. HIS love is amazing. HIS understanding is incredible. We are SO blessed to have a knowledge of Christ's atoning sacrifice on our behalf and that through it, we may be healed of our wounds, forgiven for our worst or most petty sins, and comforted of our affirmities and trials.
Perhaps because of my simple faith in this miraculous gift, I know that there is hope for anything. I remember once as I listened to yet another unbelievable story, I thought I was stumped and I wouldn't be able to find it - and in that moment inspiration came from above. Even in a seemingly impossible situation, the Lord showed me there was hope - a way out.
I'm convinced that if we so choose it, there is ALWAYS hope. And because I know this - not just believe it, but know it, I don't mind putting on those gloves or wearing that hat. There is nothing more upsetting than knowing someone might not be able to find the hope when I might have helped turn their heart in the right direction.
I love my Savior. Where would we be without Him? Sundays are so nice. I love leaving the world behind and just being here, listening to music about the Savior and feeling the peace and comfort of the Spirit all around with no interference from TV or other worldly distractions. I LOVE SUNDAYS! Don't you? Ahhh. I wish everyone could feel this way.

. . .on a pillow of blue bonnets. . .

It sounds good to me.

I said I wanna touch the earth

I wanna break it in my hands

I wanna grow something wild and unruly

I wanna sleep on the hard ground

In the comfort of your arms

On a pillow of bluebonnets

In a blanket made of stars

Oh it sounds good to me I said

Cowboy take me away

Fly this girl as high as you can

Into the wild blue

Set me free oh I pray

Closer to heaven above and

Closer to you closer to you

I wanna walk and not run

I wanna skip and not fall

I wanna look at the horizon

And not see a building standing tall

I wanna be the only one

For miles and miles

Except for maybe you

And your simple smile

Oh it sounds good to me

Yes it sounds so good to me

Cowboy take me away

Fly this girl as high as you can

Into the wild blue

Set me free oh I pray

Closer to heaven above and

Closer to you closer to you

I said I wanna touch the earth

I wanna break it in my hands

I wanna grow something wild and unruly

Oh it sounds so good to me

Cowboy take me away

Fly this girl as high as you can

Into the wild blue

Set me free oh I pray

Closer to heaven above and

Closer to you closer to you

Closer to you

Cowboy take me away.

Closer to you

ER

What a night in the ER. After we put the kids to bed last night, I started to really lose the baby. After 2 1/2 hours of straight bleeding and passing clots, I gave up trying to figure out which golf ball or baseball size clot of the twenty or so (I lost count) could have been the embryo and starting wondering when it was going to slow down. I called the doctor concerned that this was a bit extensive. Two more hours later I stood up and came very close to passing out. So a little after midnight, my neighbor graciously came over to stay with the sleeping oblivious kids while Jhonny drove me to the hospital in Bryan.
They admitted me right away ahead of two other patients who were in line ahead of me. After taking more blood for tests which made me really feel whoosy and getting a sonogram to see what was left (honestly I didn't think there could be anything left after everything I lost), I was poked and prodded and it was determined that I needed a DNC to stop the bleeding. As they explained it to me, there must have been some tissue left which was causing me to continue bleeding beyond normal.
They finally rolled me out of the ER and into a day stay room where I was prepped for surgery. The best part came when they gave me anethesia that put me to sleep. I was SOOO tired after a long night of waking up every ten minutes or so. It felt like I slept for hours although it was probably only 2 or so. After a while, they discharged me and my sleepy husband drove me home after stopping for some much needed breakfast!
The kids are a little sad to hear that the baby is gone, but other than that I'm doing MUCH better after a couple hours of sleep. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and well wishes. I appreciate everyone's concern on our behalf and willingness to help out.
I'm optomistic about the future and happy to have my body back for a while longer.

Good News Bad News

Well, I'm not pregnant anymore - so the branch camp out next month should be more fun than last year.
Details. . . I started losing the baby today. The doctor isn't in the office so I guess I'll find out Monday if I require a DNC or not. The nurse at the nurse's station at the hospital told me not to bother coming in since they couldn't really do anything more for me there than I can do here. That's all I know so far.
Thanks to everyone for your prayers. I've felt your support through all of this and I'm fine. I'm surprised this little one hung in there for so long. Hopefully next time, my body will be better equipped to handle a pregnancy through full term.

Romans 5:3-5

3. . .we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope;
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

Still Waiting. . .

This baby is fighting I guess, because nothing new has happened. I don't know when my next appointment will be so we're still waiting. I'll let you know when or if I do lose the baby for sure.

No fooling Lily

Jessica: Hey, Lily, I have an idea! Why don't you give me half of your chocolate chunk bar and you can keep half of your chocolate chunk bar for yourself?
Lily: I don't think that's a great idea.

Waiting . . .

For those of you checking in on our lives here, I suppose an update is imperative. A few weeks ago I had my first doctor's appointment for our surprise pregnancy. By my calculations I should have been at about 7 1/2 weeks. The sonogram measured the baby at 5 weeks and 3 days. Somewhat small and made me curious about how they were measuring. The heartbeat was a bit slow, but the doctor said it was a little early so he wasn't worried. Then he noticed something that indicated an early miscarriage. He asked me to come back in a week.

I returned a little worried, but confident that all would be well. However when I saw the sonogram, I knew it wasn't good. The measurement was only 6 weeks after 7 days and I could barely pick out the heartbeat. It seemed non-existant. The doctor told me it was more than likely I would lose the baby although with a heartbeat at all there was a slight room for hope.

After crying all the way home and going through all the emotions of grief over the weekend, many prayers and a blessing later, I've regained my composure, accepted the inevitable and returned to the doctor's office again today with Jhonny this time to bolster me up.

The sonogram read 6 weeks 1 day and the heart rate was 60 per minute. The normal rate is above 100. So as I've been told again and again - it's all in God's hands and it seems like only a matter of time before we say goodbye to this little one we'd hoped would join the family in October.

I asked for a print out of the sonogram today. I wanted something to remember this one by and if it leaves us this week, it may the last time we get the chance. It's tough waiting for the end when you know it should be any day and that day just hasn't come. . .

Tears of Joy & Pain

It was a tough fight, but Mom finally knocked it out. 6 baby teeth gone. . .

Many faces of Motherhood

This past weekend Jhonny and I were discussing Career and life choices. As we brainstormed what it is he wants to do with his life other than just make money. . . he asked me about my career choices. After pondering I realized that I am exactly where I want to be at this time in my life. A mom.

Perhaps in a few years I may have the desire to go back to work and continue on the counseling path, but for now - my kids are my priority. They're only young once and then they're gone. I don't want to miss this important step in my life and theirs. So I have no regrets. I was happy when I was teaching, even happier as a school counselor, but motherhood is priceless.

So even though number four is coming a little sooner than I'd planned, I'm looking forward to our new addition. That is if this baby will make it all the way. The doctor gave me a scare on Friday about a possible miscarriage, but come what may - the show must go on. The Lord knows what He is doing. He's always been in control of this miracle called birth - so if this is meant to be, it will be. Meanwhile, I'm told that morning sickness is a GOOD sign. Ugh. . .