Still Waiting

Happy Mother's Day. When I woke up this morning it was not with joy or excitement. What was most on my mind was that I'm still waiting. I had really hoped that today would be the day. But nothing has happened of great significance. That means no chocolate or cookies or icecream or anything else lovely to consume.
When Jhonny asked what I wanted for breakfast I gave him a hard cold stare. What I want and what I can eat are NOT the same thing. When I came downstairs, my eager young children had helped themselves to cereal. When Jhonny asked where the breakfast in bed was, Jessica replied. "Mom said she didn't want to celebrate until after the baby comes." That's true. I don't. I'm tired of missing out on the best that these holidays have to offer.
Later Jessica and Lily asked if they could at least give me the "paper" gifts they had made for me. I said okay. They were sweet. They have tried so hard to let me know how much they love me. Gavin too. And they sang so well in church today. All three. But. . .
Yesterday, I noticed some watery discharge. I figure that my amniotic sac must have torn. But no gush, so it's not really doing anything for me. In fact according to the articles online, it could heal itself and regenerate more fluid. So there went that hope that something could be getting started.
On Thursday I was dilated to a 2. Gee at this rate, I'll deliver in June! JK. I have a scheduled C-section on the 24th of May. Which is not a great day for several reasons including the fact that it's Jhonny's birthday, Jessica has a talent show she is singing in 45 minutes after I go under the knife and we only have one good camera. Oh and it's the day before school is out which means I come home to recover with 4 kids to take care of. Yippee!
I read the lesson for RS which was on prayer. Feeling a little more than depressed, I felt perhaps it would do me some good to read it. What I got out of it is that I need to be a little more humble and trusting that the Lord is in charge and this baby will come when it's best for him to come. Doesn't make me feel much better, but I know that's true. It also occured to me that I need to start emotionally preparing for this C-section. Perhaps it's the best way for him to get here. The sooner I can accept that fact the less disappointed I can feel each day he doesn't come.
So after trying all day to come to terms with these circumstances without much luck, I asked Jhonny to give me a blessing. Not a blessing to make this happen, but one to help me accept what will happen. Whatever that is. I don't want to be angry and sad. I'm feeling impatient. Perhaps it's the painful contractions every ten minutes that make me want to faint. Or not being able to walk without feeling pain. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other. And more frustrating is that walking doesn't seem to make contractions any stronger or closer together. At least not for very long. I don't dare drive because I feel like fainting every time I'm in the car. So I'm literally a prisoner in my home right now. Ahhh! Just want it to be over.
So Jhonny gave me a blessing. I'm still not jumping up and down for joy, but at least I'm feeling a little more calm. I'll get through this. And he promised me that I would have time to bond with this baby and the help I need while I'm recovering. That's probably what I need to hear the most.
So I must apologize for all the whining. I hate to put it out there like that, but life is not always roses. Sometimes the best lessons in life are getting through the reality of what isn't all pretty. Perhaps some of this depression comes from the fact that I know each day that passes is one less day I get to spend with my last baby. This is the first time I will have to return to work when my baby is so young. At best he will pass the two month mark. That is too young for me.
The good news is that I got a transfer to a High School closer to my house. I'm hoping this will allow me some time to go see him during lunch. But who knows. My job is SO time demanding. There have been days I don't get lunch. We shall see. Again, I just need an extra helping of faith to get through what I consider less than ideal.