2nd Half of 2020 and into 2021

2nd Half of 2020 and into 2021

I broke my little toe. It was a stupid accident but hurt like crazy. Fortunately, it healed on its own after I wrapped it. I did go to get an x-ray to make sure.

Gavin had his 12th birthday, COVID style. He had a couple of friends over and they played video games. We had a yard sign and voila. He's 12. I hosted a family reunion here in Round Rock and it was great to see all my family together, but it was stressful. Moreso with COVID threatening to cancel all my plans. I'm glad we all had a good time together. 

Jessica had her 18th birthday and decided that as an adult, she would make her own decisions now. Including announcing to the world that she is bisexual and getting herself a girlfriend. I wondered how I would feel if any of my children were ever to announce that. I can't say that I'm sad about the announcement itself. I've been around LQBTQ kids and people my whole life and that doesn't bother me. But as a parent, I've grieved the loss of many dreams I've had for her because of the choices she is making along with that announcement. But nothing broke my heart more than when she decided to stop speaking to me for over a month. No matter what your children do with their agency, it doesn't stop you from loving them. Not hearing from her was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm glad she ended the silence and spoke to me again. Until you are a parent, there are things you cannot comprehend about loving your children. And there are perspectives that are more poignant and painful than you ever imagined. I don't envy the path that she is on and I pray every day that the Lord will lead her and she will hear His voice. There are many opinions in the world on this subject. I am not up for debate about them. I just know I love my child and I want her for forever. I don't care if she is attracted to her same gender or not. I just pray she will make choices that will give her eternal joy in her life. I don't know that she has faith to trust in that right now, but that is my hope for her.

I dropped her off at Cedar City to go to school after a two day trip in September and came home to start a health program that has changed me for the better. Before that I weighed more than I have ever weighed not pregnant. My blood pressure and cholesterol were high. I had no energy and I hated how I looked in pictures. I reconnected with my former mission companion who helped me get healthy. After a month, I signed up as a coach and started helping other people too. After 4 months, I lost 40 pounds and now I'm down 45 pounds. I fit into size 10 pants at the store and I'm amazed at how great I feel. It's been a nice distraction from the drama of Jessica's life. So while I was grieving the loss of my daughter's voice and the relationship we once had, I was thrilled at the success and growth for myself. Coaching has given us an extra income and given me the ability to dream for a future where maybe I can work from home and quit my day job. Wouldn't that be nice?

I have taken more time to connect with friends and family, like visiting Jennifer in Houston and my sister. I also started treatments on my birthmark again - first with removing the hemangioma under my eye. I'm paying for this with my coaching money. So that's a win. 

We also had cousins come to town and went to Kalahari over Christmas. Below is a picture of the 12 year olds.

Over Thanksgiving, we got the news that our beloved Branch President Vestor Crocker passed away. Sister Crocker asked us to provide the music for the service. So we did. The kids didn't remember President Crocker very well, but I was happy to be part of the service for someone who helped us when we needed it so long ago.

This year I got in my Valentine's dates with everyone here... Lily and I went to Applebees, Ammon and I went to the park, Gavin and I went to Red Lobster and Jhonny and I went to Longhorn Steakhouse. I love my people.

Today, on Valentine's day, I got the news that Sierra, the only daughter of Frances and Scott Noyce, Jessica and Lily's babysitter in Houston, passed away from a stroke this weekend. She was only 25 years old. 7 years older than Jessica. Frances called me this morning and we cried together for an hour. My heart was broken for Frances and yet she offered me so much hope and faith as she struggles with this horrific trial. She said that both she and Scott prayed last night and let Heavenly Father know that if He needed her home, that they would let her go. Frances said she felt a brush on her cheek and felt Sierra there letting her know that she was torn, because she wanted to stay with her baby daughter, Natalie, but Heavenly Father needed her and she couldn't stay. Frances promised they would take care of Natalie and that it was okay to go. Not without many tears and sorrow. 

From 2014 - last time we hung out with Sierra at the Temple when Jessica went through the temple for the first time.

All the grief that I've been harboring for my child and all that I know of Frances and hers came out and I couldn't stop the river from rolling down my cheeks. I know this must be God's will and He needs Sierra to help with His work on the other side of the veil, but it doesn't make it easier to take. I called Jessica and told her about it. She said she would go and be there for Frances. I'm glad. She was her comfort once before and I pray she will be able to offer some comfort now. 

This evening I watched a live video from my friend, Linette. She talked about trading joys. She said that 24 years ago when her daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and they were told that she would spend a good part of her childhood in the hospital undergoing chemo, she mourned the loss of her childhood. She said that in her prayers the Lord told her that she was trading one set of joys for another. That is a good way to look at it. I know from personal experience that we can experience joy in our trials. Joys and comfort that we would not know otherwise. So we can have the happy go lucky every day type of joys in life when all things are going our way. Or we can experience the joy of miracles of comfort and tender mercies from the Lord when they are not. Miracles of being close to the veil and knowing that there is a life after this one and something much greater to look forward to. Joy of knowing that our Savior's love and atonement will make everything whole again. Joy of knowing that our covenants will keep us safe and bring our children home to us. And the joy of opposition in all things. I have faith that the promises made to my daughter in her patriarchal blessing are still able to be fulfilled despite her temporary detour from her path. I don't know how long this detour will last. But if in this life I am able to sit near her in the temple and see her covenant with a worthy young man who loves her for all that she is and be there to witness the birth of her children, I will cry with tears of joy for all that might not have been. Right now, this seems like an impossible dream. I'm sure it seems more impossible to her than to me. But my God is a God who can make impossible possible if He wants to. 

Date with Jhonny

Date with Gavin - a few days after my first pulse dye treatment. It's still a bit sore.

Date with Ammon

Date with Lily

Reaching the rank of ED

Visit with Mandy - post treatment to remove the angioma.

Saying Goodbye to Jess again, after Christmas

New me - health coaching and 45 lbs down

the 12 year olds. Eldon, Piper and Gavin

Ammon at Christmas

Pres Crocker's funeral

Visit with Jennifer

Hike to Thor's throne

Taking Jessica to SUU

Mom and Dad at the family reunion here at Typhoon Texas

Jessica turned 18 and got her braces off.

Gavin turned 12

I broke my little toe.

 

2019-20 What a year its been

I went into last school year expecting change at the end of it. Many lasts leading to some firsts. Gavin started Middle School and Lily started her last year of Middle School. Jessica broke up with her first boyfriend and started her senior year. She got a driver's license and a new car. New freedoms for both of us.
The biggest challenge of all was helping my oldest figure out and prepare for her next step while taking advantage of every opportunity in her last year of high school. Over the summer there were some tears and conversations about expenses and goals and true desires. Problem is...no kid really knows what the future holds nor what direction to really go that will provide the greatest source of growth, experience and preparation for life.

I've been through this stage a thousand times it seems. Only this time it is personal. How to give just the right amount of support without trying to control it for her. Did I teach her enough? Did I give her enough lead and guidance? After determining that there was nothing more than Musical Theatre for this girl in her future and that the prospects seemed very daunting financially, she decided upon beauty school and postponing that step. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I was willing to back her up.
Until her teacher blew that plan out of the water and let us both know the time to seize the moment was now and to GO FOR IT because the girl's got talent. OK. With a little divine intervention, we stumbled upon Southern Utah University. The price was right and Jessica was immediately accepted to the school. The determining factor of course was would she make it into the program? Between rehearsals and choir performances and work and homework and seminary, and lessons, she threw together an audition and spent a whirlwind of a weekend first at the auditions in Dallas, then at ACU and finally at Southern Utah the week of Thanksgiving. Unfortunately she would not hear back from SUU until March.
Then began the gruelling wait of the unknown. She focused on school and her friends. Well her friends mostly. She was in a 24 hour musical and then had a quick turn around for Carols and Cocoa. It was crazy and just as fast paced as always. I nagged just the amount I thought I could get away with for her to apply to some of the schools that wanted her from the Dallas audition (22 to be specific), but the deadlines came and went and she didn't. In addition her other egg cracked - she got a rejection from ACU which shot her confidence a bit - I think - and then it was all up to the one egg in one basket and a 3 month wait to KNOW. There is nothing more anxiety provoking.
Spoiler alert - she got in and after a few days of hesitation, she accepted and decided to go. I couldn't understand why she wasn't ecstatic about getting an acceptance and didn't jump up and down with excitement. When we got the news, she told me to keep it on the downlow and wouldn't make up her mind for 5 days. I was and am baffled. Does she really want this? I don't know because she's too busy spending time with her friends before everyone parts ways after the summer. I always thought I had a finger on the pulse, but now I'm not so sure of anything when it comes to what she wants or thinks. I guess its a sign of growing up and leaving the nest...mom is the last person she wants to talk to right now about anything.

In addition to all that, there was Gavin and his struggles to do well in school and well care about doing well. I was done with the attitude and arguments to just "take him out of TAG" so I set up an appointment to diagnose ADHD which was overwhelmingly the case. Medication did wonders. He made friends at his new school and plays video games 247. He reminds me so much of his uncle Jake. He's still my knight in shining armor when he's in a good mood. He requires multiple hugs a day. I'm not sure if that's for him or me, but he's a sweet gentleman most of the time.
Big news in his world was getting the priesthood in January and getting to go to the temple for the first time. That first time was also the last time for a while. Having at home church since Spring Break has been easier with Gavin and his dad able to bless and pass the sacrament. Gavin shows maturity and a seriousness to fulfilling his priesthood responsibilities that makes me proud. He is so much better than he knows.
And of course because there are four wonders under this roof, Ammon also went through his own testing. The school determined Autism spectrum and suggested extreme ADHD. I wasn't so sure, but after the evidence presented, I think I agree. The doctor is not convinced he has autism yet. We had a last appointment just before Spring Break and I started the process of getting another opinion from Blue Sprig just as the world began to shut down for a pandemic. So that process came to a shrieking halt.  With the empowerment of Autism behind me, I've been able to address Ammon with a different approach. He's easier to explain to people. But that still left me unsettled about his baptism coming up in June with his impending 8th birthday. To baptize or not to baptize...that was my question. It had been on my mind and in my prayers for months. The articles I read basically said it was up to the Bishop. I was anxious to meet with him and get his guidance. When I discussed my concerns with my dad, he told me it was easy - just do it. I expressed my hesitations. Baptism is for those who can sin, not for the innocent who don't know the difference. What if Ammon falls under that category? Would it be an abomination to baptize an innocent person? Dad said something to the affect that Ammon is HIS son and anything we do would not be an abomination to Him. The spirit testified that this was true and I felt a little better about preparing him.
I decided it would be imperative for him to attend someone's baptism to see how it would go. We just made it to Adam's baptism in February before Covid shut down visitors to those events. After the ceremony, Bishop turned to me and we spoke about Ammon's baptism. I told him that I just wanted to know because I wanted to prepare. He said, "Go ahead and plan on it. His covenant will be to his understanding." That filled my heart with peace and rang true to me. I don't think I've ever really looked at a covenant like that before. Of course my contract with the Lord is personal as is his. His understanding doesn't have to be at a great depth as would be expected for someone more mature and intelligent than he is. And he was excited for his big day. It ended up being Bishop, our family and Grandma and Grandpa in attendance due to Covid which worked out well for Ammon. He was able to focus on everything and as I prayed he would have a lucid moment and feel the spirit and sacredness of his ordinance, I believe he did. When Grandma asked in her talk, "Who should be baptized?" Ammon quickly replied, "Me!" I chuckled and thought to myself - well there's your answer mom. He knows.
Then there is Lily. How does one describe Lily? She is a force to be reckoned with and with hormones taking front seat, phew...I'm hanging on for the ride. She's more beautiful than she knows, more charismatic than she knows, a natural born leader, bossy and kind, talented, anxious and confident at the SAME TIME. ? There are some things I get and others that baffle me about this girl. She doesn't like to be told what to do for sure. She's been a teenager since she was 2 so why am I surprised? I knew she would be difficult to raise from the time I got to stay home with her. But then strong spirited people are difficult because they are the trailblazers not the silent obedient type. That's my beautiful spunky strong willed lily. The biggest problem is even after 14 years, she still doesn't listen. She barges ahead and complains that I didn't warn her... metaphorically speaking of course. This year in 8th grade brought new friendships, crushes and navigating socialization online. These kids can't talk on the phone, but they can whiz through a thousand social nets at once and be on and off again with people in a matter of minutes. The social cues and norms in real time are difficult to navigate for some, this generation has a whole other set of rules online that are being conjured up by teenagers.  Observing makes me feel old and wishing for a simpler time. Lily's highlights of the school year were going to Spring 8th grade formal with an unofficial date who asked her to go with him and a "group" so it wouldn't be a "date" and getting cast as Nala in the school musical that didn't happen. All too soon Covid 19 shut that down too.

March 13th was the last day of school at school. After that we've been online from home. They were pretty flexible in the beginning but to keep up the rigor of learning, next school year will look a little different. We are starting the first 3 weeks at home. Potentially 5 people online at once. I still don't know what to expect on the 27th of July when I'm supposed to return. I've been doing summer school and it's kept me VERY busy. I haven't really had a break even though I've been home.

We started remodeling and getting home improvements ready for the family reunion here next week. I'm excited and stressed to get everything ready. I've been tasked with a video that has taken its toll. Once I'm in the zone, I hate being interrupted for anything. I need to walk away and take time to decompress, but I can't sleep even if I want to.

The video is finished. It's not perfect, but I've given all the time I can spare for it. Going through photos and memories of my life and my family has been an emotional rollercoaster. First was looking at photos of my young self and seeing that innocent happy spark in my eyes. The look of innocence and trust in a world that was good and safe because my parents gave me nothing to worry about. A look of optimism for a bright future with big dreams. No thought of the pain that comes with life and obstacles to hurdle. I knew nothing of grief or pain or the burdens these shoulders would carry through life.
And then just when I think I'm fine, I'll see a photo paired with a lyric and tears start to roll. Mandy said to me last week that she was told death would be welcome to her because of the many people who passed on before her waiting for her there. I have already felt that. So many I love are on the other side. I never thought I would ache for them as I have. I miss them more than I thought I would. Making this video has brought them to the forefront of my heart. I look at a photo and think... I remember that - and then realize that person isn't here anymore. ouch. Grief rears its ugly head. And so I changed the lyrics because I don't want this to be a grieving session, but a celebratory tribute to my parents.

This week in the Book of Mormon I've been pondering about preparing to meet God. Now is the time. Tanya was good at that. She didn't procrastinate. She took action to actively better herself. I feel distracted. I know I could be better at the preparation thing, but I feel like the turtle in the slow lane when it comes to that. And I wonder...have I sufficiently prepare my children to face this world? Have I planted the seed of testimony deep enough in their hearts that they will cherish the gospel as I do when they leave? Do they really know for themselves and want it as much as I do? Or will they choose a different path the moment they can be on their own?

I feel a bit of empathy for my Father in Heaven as he let us come to earth on our own with no remembrance of Him and His plan for us knowing not all of us would return. The thought of losing any of my precious children to evil pains my soul. And yet he let us go. He didn't try to control us. So another type of grief brings tears to my eyes as I think of letting her go and wondering what she will do with her freedom. Will she come home proud to share her life with me? Or think I'll be disappointed and stay away? Will she turn to her Father in Heaven? Or to the world for her answers? Will she be an inspiration for good in the world? Or be sucked in by it? As the future awaits, I fear I didn't do enough. But what more could I have done? One way or another, it's time for this baby girl to fly. Regardless of her choices, she is taking a piece of my heart with her.

2019 so far

Beehive Camp for Lily and her friends where Lily brings 3 non-members. They loved it!

Jhonny inclosed the front room for a little bit of not in your room privacy. I love it!

Jessica as a Priscilla Girl in Thoroughly Modern Millie

Singing the National Anthem with Jack White at the LCHS vs. CRHS playoff game

Jessica on trek with her family

All State Solo and Ensemble competition - Earned #1's for both

Lily and Jess ready for Hamilton!

Funeral for Grandma Betty Wickham

Trip to see Grandpa Hemingway's house where my mom grew up in SLC

Memorial Day - decorating graves for my aunts Paula, Dixie, cousin Courtney and my mom's grandma.

Hanging out with Mandy before the funeral

Last day of Kindergarten for Ammon!

He's 7!

Jake graduated with his Masters and ROTC program, earned office of 2nd Lieutenant. Off for training in Georgia for Cyber Security.

Lily racking up the awards in Theatre at RMS

Friends - Alyssa King

Prom where Jessica went with Jack and Jhonny and I chauffered

Easter with Jack

Choir trip to San Antonio

Happy 13th Bday Lily!

Another night- another show

Six Flags - lots of these trips this summer.

Visiting ACU - Loved it, but the $$$??

Gavin begins his ortho journey

Ammon looses his first tooth!

Jazz Cafe - good times

Featured solo in Xanadu - She's taking off!

Rehearsal for Xanadu at RMS

Retreat with Ginger and lunch with Jennifer! 

Impromptu show - 3 Musketeers at the Alley Theatre.

Hard Rock Cafe sitting at "Ginger's" table.

Houston Club overlooking downtown Houston

Jessica in Footloose number for New York trip where Jess turns 17 on the last day. We finally had cake on July 7th.

Gavin turns 11