Graduations. . .

Our school got the last slot for graduation last night. That meant I got home about 11:30pm by the time all was said and done. I probably could have gotten home sooner - but I stopped at the Dairy Queen drive thru to get something to keep me awake for the hour long drive home. I guess alot of other people also wanted icecream late at night because it added an extra twenty minutes to my drive.
In making sure my seniors all got what they needed done, I missed out on a few other graduations this week. Like Lily at her Pre-K graduation. She told me she would not sing her song if I wasn't there. Fortunately she gave me several previews of it before making this announcement. I haven't had time to ask if Jhonny recorded it for me or not. And Jessica's award's ceremony. She earned quite a few, but she was happy to give me a recap. Gavin's last day of daycare. I will miss Ms. Rosa and her help potty training my son. I thought of getting a present for my kid's teachers - too late. I hope they know I appreciate them even though I'm swamped under my own piles of papers and grades and transcripts and phone calls to return and emails to respond to and work that is never done even with a deadline. . .I love my job - I do, but. . .
That is the life of a full time working mom who has an hour commute. Seeing it all second hand. . .Not ideal, but necessary for now. Lily is not the only one who misses being able to go to the silly ceremonies. She was my sidekick at all of Jessica's important insignificantly seeming events. She knows what a stay at home mom does because she doesn't forget anything. Why her mom doesn't come to hers is incomprehensible. . . Even when she experiences the drive first hand it still doesn't compute that it is impossible to be in two places that far away all at once.
Perhaps next year will bring some changes. So far we remain in limbo. I've fought with the idea of settling into accepting status quo. Status quo is doable, but it is not ideal for me or my kids although Jhonny seems somewhat okay with the idea that we won't have to pay for childcare next year. I miss my children. I miss being there for the little things. Perhaps it is selfish to want to be present. . . but it's for these little things that I long for change and I continue to hope for a better future. One that includes a job for my husband in a place where I won't be too far away to be present when it matters. If that happens, it will truly be a miracle due to the current economic crisis in Texas State Education.
I know that God can make it happen. . . the question is - Is it what he wants for us? Because ultimately our will is in his hands. We will go where he sends us. Is what we want the same as what he wants for us? Or is it a far better thing to remain in status quo for reasons unbeknownst to us? That is my constant search within. Answer TBA.

Officially OLD!

$300, 2 Dr. appointments and 1 MRI later, I have arthritis in my knee. I laughed when the Doctor gave me his diagnosis and said, "Now I'm officially old." Great!
I hope the physical therapy will work. Today I was feeling fairly fine until I stood up for over an hour to prepare my husband's annual birthday dinner (lasagna). I had to ice it and elevate afterwards. Ugh! Will I ever be able to do normal things again? I keep thinking that this can't be the end of mobility as I know it.
I have fairly high levels of pain tolerance. This hurts! It throbs! I can't put weight on it at all. Kind of frustrating. I want to ignore the pain and live a normal life. The pain refuses to be ignored and reminds me constantly of my mortality.

Summeritis

One more week of school for the kids and my students. Three more weeks of work. Then at least 6 weeks or more of vacation. Summertime please come quickly and then please go by slowly. I so need a break.

What I like most about Easter. . .

Yesterday, our children carried on the Ellis family saturday morning easter egg hunt tradition followed by the once a year boiled eggs, cotton candy, candy in general, & chocolate easter bunnies for breakfast. I felt We opted indoors this year since I really wanted to enjoy chocolate and it's 92 degrees outside.

This morning during sacrament meeting, Gavin was sitting on my lap. I was trying really hard to keep him reverant, but couldn't help a silent chuckle when I heard him humming the song from Winnie the Pooh's easter movie. "What I like most about easter, is the way that we show that we care. . ." Even though it wasn't exactly a hymn, it was nice to see that he was listening to something and associating it with this special day.

Happy Birthday Lily!

For Lily's birthday, I promised her we would take her to the Mad Hatter's Tea Room like we did for Jessica's 5th birthday. I couldn't help reminiscing a little. Here's some comparison pics. I can't believe my little baby girl has grown up so much. Although her precociousness can drive me crazy, she definitely makes me proud. I love you Lily! Happy Birthday!

Jessica and Lily's 5th birthdays @ Mad Hatter's Tea Room

Lily's not the only one who has grown up. Guests in common for both parties are Haley, Amber, Lily and Jessica. See if you can find them in these pics.

I love Lily's laugh in this picture. She had such a good time with her friends!

Released!

I looked at my son today and tried to remember him growing up. When did it happen? I couldn't remember him learning to walk. Did I miss that? Oh yes - I remember now a little how he dove into the ground head first, but never gave up. When did he start talking? It seems like I missed so much. Where was I? Oh yeah - I was Relief Society President. . .

***

A few months ago, I was feeling great stress. Stress over my limited time. Stress over trying to get home sooner from work. Stress from feeling guilty that I wasn't getting work done. Stress over not spending more time with my kids only to be stressed that I wasn't spending enough time on my calling. . .

Stress at being stretched in so many directions. And so I did what I do in times like that. . . I prayed to be relieved of something or strengthened to bear the burden. But pray as I might the only solution was one I did not welcome greatly. I felt the need to be released.

And with that came a whole lot of guilt and stress. Stress over not having faith that I could have time to work and do my calling. Stress over not being able to parent my children. So I vented to my confidents. And they echoed my feelings. . . ask to be released. But I didn't like that plan. I wanted the Lord to tell someone to release me - not ask to be released.

So I prayed some more. Finally it became evident that though it wasn't something I wanted to do, the stress was more than enough. I finally got up enough courage to talk to my Branch President and let him know how I was feeling. No sooner did I say, "I guess I'm asking you to pray about whether or not I should be released." He said, "We've just been waiting for you to come and let us know when you'd had enough."

Wow! Wow. hmm. I guess it was a test of my faith? Not sure. But I can say - the Lord did hear my prayers. He knew. He was waiting for me to choose.

Last Sunday I was officially released. Nothing has felt so sweet as to feel the burden lifted. Now this is not to say that I didn't have my time of mourning and wondering if I made the right choice to let this go. But when it actually officially happened - it was sweet. I knew it was right and about time.

***

Something that helped was doing one last thing before I was released - writing the Branch History for Relief Society in 2010. It was at least 3 pages long. It was humbling to remember how much happened just last year. So many miracles. So many acts of service. So many wonderful spiritually enriching moments. So many testimonies being strengthened. It's time to pass the baton. Allow someone else the opportunity at the incredible blessings of service and sacrifice. I won't miss the stress. . . but I might miss the blessings that came with it.

I learned a lot. I was challenged. I was shown a glimpse of myself I never knew. I felt the weight of the responsibility of my stewardship. I received inspiration I couldn't deny that I worried I wouldn't recognize. My testimony of the work of the Lord was strengthened. The Lord knows us. He loves us. He guides this church. Perhaps some day when my children are a little more self reliant I might have the privilege of serving again. But hopefully not for a long time.

Winding up 2010

Post snow day - s'mores by the fire pit

Texas Snow Day! Feb 4, 2011Is taking us back to Christmas 2010. . .

Not sure who liked this toy more. . .

We still need to get this movie. Gavin keeps asking to see it. . .

Trip to Utah/Idaho! The best part of Temple Square - the snow! The questions I get to answer. . .

Lily: Mom, why is Jesus naked?

(I'd love to hear how you'd respond.)

This is my Aunt Tanya Ahh, the lights Chinese nativity

Bridge at the hospital where I was born in Jerome, ID. My friend and I used to play under the bridge (in the background under the road) when it was frozen like this day. Probably not the smartest thing to do. . .but definitely fun and adventurous. . .Jessica trying it out

These are the swings mom used to play on when she was little. I've never seen these swings anywhere else. I remember playing on them when I was way young.
IT'S SNOW!

Determined to bring back Frosty. . .

Jessica Sledding

I think I finally got his head. . . didn't you say you had carrots, Mom? We're not twins, we're cousins!

Wesley sledding

Marcano Family in the snow

Leejean and gang Mom! Remember when I fed the camel? It ate from my hand!
Lights in south hills Mark's Llama Home sweet home - warm enough for ice cream!

Christmas 2010 came to the Marcano house a week early. After opening presents with Grandma and Granpa Ellis, we played all day with our toys.

On Sunday, our family sang "Away in a manger" during the Christmas program. Although it was a hastle getting everyone to practice, I want to believe it helped our young children focus on the true meaning of Christmas. I've caught them singing it even now - a month after the program. Jhonny and I also sang with the choir. Right in the middle of the first choir number, Lily came up to me to ask me an important question. Forget that we were singing "O Holy Night" to the congregation! She had to verify if something Jessica told her was true. ?!?!?

On Monday we left early with Cory who was going to help his family move and made it to New Mexico late that night. On Tuesday we got to SLC and dropped off Cory at the train before going to Temple Square for the lights. We hooked up with Tanya who had a previously planned date to go there as well. It worked out pretty nicely, except for the fact that the kids were more interested in the snow than the lights and sounds. It was all I could do to keep Lily from going into the roped off areas to make a "snow angel". She finally got her wish at aunt Tanya's house just before having hot chocolate and falling promptly to sleep.

The next day we got to Idaho where we played in the snow in south hills, met tons of cousins, visited with Great Grandma and Grandpa Ellis, Mindy and Jeff, saw the lights, visited Jerome where I grew up and saw Chronicles of Narnia at the old Jerome Cinema. Lily usually has a hard time visiting a different primary, but since she had so many cousins there, she didn't seem to mind. She kept asking me if the other kids were her "friends?" I guess cousins meant the same thing to her. As it turned out my cousin's wife taught her class. She didn't know they were related until later when they stopped by Grandma and Grandpa's house to say hi.

We meant to top off our vacation by going to the Temple on Tuesday, but the storm was coming in. We had to cut our trip short and head back home. We stopped in Utah to see Spencer and crew before heading back to Texas, but the storm caught up in the night. We drove with white knuckles behind a God sent snow plow through Price canyon. It wasn't until Lily piped up and said, "Be quiet! I'm praying!" that I realized the kids might be just as concerned as I felt. Once we got ahead of the snow we didn't stop til we got to the Texan border even though it meant sleeping in the car. Jessica kissed the ground when we reached home.

For New Years, we had Cory and Joanna and kids over for dinner. The best part of winding up 2010 was welcoming their family to Texas! It's great to know we've got family so close this year.

The kids still talk about the trip and the snow. Buying snow gloves and shoes has come in handy this week as we experienced our own snow day in Rockdale. The arctic blast hit last week and brought about three inches that lasted almost 12 hours. The kids were in and out all morning playing in the snow in the backyard. The sun came out at noon and melted it all away by 2pm. Today we sat around a fire in 65 degree weather and made s'mores. That's Texas for ya!