The biggest challenge of all was helping my oldest figure out and prepare for her next step while taking advantage of every opportunity in her last year of high school. Over the summer there were some tears and conversations about expenses and goals and true desires. Problem is...no kid really knows what the future holds nor what direction to really go that will provide the greatest source of growth, experience and preparation for life.
I've been through this stage a thousand times it seems. Only this time it is personal. How to give just the right amount of support without trying to control it for her. Did I teach her enough? Did I give her enough lead and guidance? After determining that there was nothing more than Musical Theatre for this girl in her future and that the prospects seemed very daunting financially, she decided upon beauty school and postponing that step. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I was willing to back her up.
Until her teacher blew that plan out of the water and let us both know the time to seize the moment was now and to GO FOR IT because the girl's got talent. OK. With a little divine intervention, we stumbled upon Southern Utah University. The price was right and Jessica was immediately accepted to the school. The determining factor of course was would she make it into the program? Between rehearsals and choir performances and work and homework and seminary, and lessons, she threw together an audition and spent a whirlwind of a weekend first at the auditions in Dallas, then at ACU and finally at Southern Utah the week of Thanksgiving. Unfortunately she would not hear back from SUU until March.
Then began the gruelling wait of the unknown. She focused on school and her friends. Well her friends mostly. She was in a 24 hour musical and then had a quick turn around for Carols and Cocoa. It was crazy and just as fast paced as always. I nagged just the amount I thought I could get away with for her to apply to some of the schools that wanted her from the Dallas audition (22 to be specific), but the deadlines came and went and she didn't. In addition her other egg cracked - she got a rejection from ACU which shot her confidence a bit - I think - and then it was all up to the one egg in one basket and a 3 month wait to KNOW. There is nothing more anxiety provoking.
Spoiler alert - she got in and after a few days of hesitation, she accepted and decided to go. I couldn't understand why she wasn't ecstatic about getting an acceptance and didn't jump up and down with excitement. When we got the news, she told me to keep it on the downlow and wouldn't make up her mind for 5 days. I was and am baffled. Does she really want this? I don't know because she's too busy spending time with her friends before everyone parts ways after the summer. I always thought I had a finger on the pulse, but now I'm not so sure of anything when it comes to what she wants or thinks. I guess its a sign of growing up and leaving the nest...mom is the last person she wants to talk to right now about anything.
In addition to all that, there was Gavin and his struggles to do well in school and well care about doing well. I was done with the attitude and arguments to just "take him out of TAG" so I set up an appointment to diagnose ADHD which was overwhelmingly the case. Medication did wonders. He made friends at his new school and plays video games 247. He reminds me so much of his uncle Jake. He's still my knight in shining armor when he's in a good mood. He requires multiple hugs a day. I'm not sure if that's for him or me, but he's a sweet gentleman most of the time.
Big news in his world was getting the priesthood in January and getting to go to the temple for the first time. That first time was also the last time for a while. Having at home church since Spring Break has been easier with Gavin and his dad able to bless and pass the sacrament. Gavin shows maturity and a seriousness to fulfilling his priesthood responsibilities that makes me proud. He is so much better than he knows.
And of course because there are four wonders under this roof, Ammon also went through his own testing. The school determined Autism spectrum and suggested extreme ADHD. I wasn't so sure, but after the evidence presented, I think I agree. The doctor is not convinced he has autism yet. We had a last appointment just before Spring Break and I started the process of getting another opinion from Blue Sprig just as the world began to shut down for a pandemic. So that process came to a shrieking halt. With the empowerment of Autism behind me, I've been able to address Ammon with a different approach. He's easier to explain to people. But that still left me unsettled about his baptism coming up in June with his impending 8th birthday. To baptize or not to baptize...that was my question. It had been on my mind and in my prayers for months. The articles I read basically said it was up to the Bishop. I was anxious to meet with him and get his guidance. When I discussed my concerns with my dad, he told me it was easy - just do it. I expressed my hesitations. Baptism is for those who can sin, not for the innocent who don't know the difference. What if Ammon falls under that category? Would it be an abomination to baptize an innocent person? Dad said something to the affect that Ammon is HIS son and anything we do would not be an abomination to Him. The spirit testified that this was true and I felt a little better about preparing him.
I decided it would be imperative for him to attend someone's baptism to see how it would go. We just made it to Adam's baptism in February before Covid shut down visitors to those events. After the ceremony, Bishop turned to me and we spoke about Ammon's baptism. I told him that I just wanted to know because I wanted to prepare. He said, "Go ahead and plan on it. His covenant will be to his understanding." That filled my heart with peace and rang true to me. I don't think I've ever really looked at a covenant like that before. Of course my contract with the Lord is personal as is his. His understanding doesn't have to be at a great depth as would be expected for someone more mature and intelligent than he is. And he was excited for his big day. It ended up being Bishop, our family and Grandma and Grandpa in attendance due to Covid which worked out well for Ammon. He was able to focus on everything and as I prayed he would have a lucid moment and feel the spirit and sacredness of his ordinance, I believe he did. When Grandma asked in her talk, "Who should be baptized?" Ammon quickly replied, "Me!" I chuckled and thought to myself - well there's your answer mom. He knows.
Then there is Lily. How does one describe Lily? She is a force to be reckoned with and with hormones taking front seat, phew...I'm hanging on for the ride. She's more beautiful than she knows, more charismatic than she knows, a natural born leader, bossy and kind, talented, anxious and confident at the SAME TIME. ? There are some things I get and others that baffle me about this girl. She doesn't like to be told what to do for sure. She's been a teenager since she was 2 so why am I surprised? I knew she would be difficult to raise from the time I got to stay home with her. But then strong spirited people are difficult because they are the trailblazers not the silent obedient type. That's my beautiful spunky strong willed lily. The biggest problem is even after 14 years, she still doesn't listen. She barges ahead and complains that I didn't warn her... metaphorically speaking of course. This year in 8th grade brought new friendships, crushes and navigating socialization online. These kids can't talk on the phone, but they can whiz through a thousand social nets at once and be on and off again with people in a matter of minutes. The social cues and norms in real time are difficult to navigate for some, this generation has a whole other set of rules online that are being conjured up by teenagers. Observing makes me feel old and wishing for a simpler time. Lily's highlights of the school year were going to Spring 8th grade formal with an unofficial date who asked her to go with him and a "group" so it wouldn't be a "date" and getting cast as Nala in the school musical that didn't happen. All too soon Covid 19 shut that down too.
March 13th was the last day of school at school. After that we've been online from home. They were pretty flexible in the beginning but to keep up the rigor of learning, next school year will look a little different. We are starting the first 3 weeks at home. Potentially 5 people online at once. I still don't know what to expect on the 27th of July when I'm supposed to return. I've been doing summer school and it's kept me VERY busy. I haven't really had a break even though I've been home.
We started remodeling and getting home improvements ready for the family reunion here next week. I'm excited and stressed to get everything ready. I've been tasked with a video that has taken its toll. Once I'm in the zone, I hate being interrupted for anything. I need to walk away and take time to decompress, but I can't sleep even if I want to.
The video is finished. It's not perfect, but I've given all the time I can spare for it. Going through photos and memories of my life and my family has been an emotional rollercoaster. First was looking at photos of my young self and seeing that innocent happy spark in my eyes. The look of innocence and trust in a world that was good and safe because my parents gave me nothing to worry about. A look of optimism for a bright future with big dreams. No thought of the pain that comes with life and obstacles to hurdle. I knew nothing of grief or pain or the burdens these shoulders would carry through life.
And then just when I think I'm fine, I'll see a photo paired with a lyric and tears start to roll. Mandy said to me last week that she was told death would be welcome to her because of the many people who passed on before her waiting for her there. I have already felt that. So many I love are on the other side. I never thought I would ache for them as I have. I miss them more than I thought I would. Making this video has brought them to the forefront of my heart. I look at a photo and think... I remember that - and then realize that person isn't here anymore. ouch. Grief rears its ugly head. And so I changed the lyrics because I don't want this to be a grieving session, but a celebratory tribute to my parents.
This week in the Book of Mormon I've been pondering about preparing to meet God. Now is the time. Tanya was good at that. She didn't procrastinate. She took action to actively better herself. I feel distracted. I know I could be better at the preparation thing, but I feel like the turtle in the slow lane when it comes to that. And I wonder...have I sufficiently prepare my children to face this world? Have I planted the seed of testimony deep enough in their hearts that they will cherish the gospel as I do when they leave? Do they really know for themselves and want it as much as I do? Or will they choose a different path the moment they can be on their own?
I feel a bit of empathy for my Father in Heaven as he let us come to earth on our own with no remembrance of Him and His plan for us knowing not all of us would return. The thought of losing any of my precious children to evil pains my soul. And yet he let us go. He didn't try to control us. So another type of grief brings tears to my eyes as I think of letting her go and wondering what she will do with her freedom. Will she come home proud to share her life with me? Or think I'll be disappointed and stay away? Will she turn to her Father in Heaven? Or to the world for her answers? Will she be an inspiration for good in the world? Or be sucked in by it? As the future awaits, I fear I didn't do enough. But what more could I have done? One way or another, it's time for this baby girl to fly. Regardless of her choices, she is taking a piece of my heart with her.
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